Forget Me Nots

Sibling rivalry can sometimes be so funny. I had to buy Aidan some more undies because I can't keep on top of his laundry, it has to be done so often. Well, I cracked them out and I think Teague was jealous of the attention. He wanted to wear undies too. So here he is as a big boy. I had to put them on over his pants or they never would have stayed up! Hilarious!

Just keep swimming.

So it's been two weeks since I did my last post, well almost. I've been a little discouraged, even though I've told myself not to be. Last week I was so sick I wanted to bury myself in the backyard so I haven't exactly eaten as well as I would have liked to.

But Ry and I bought a new elliptical a couple of weeks ago and I love it. I have to admit, I had rose colored glasses on thinking it would be so easy to do while I watched tv...you know, sitting on the couch or doing the elliptical. Easy, right. Well that part is easy, it's the huffing and puffing and wanting to die while I'm counting down the minutes part that I didn't consider. But it IS paying off as I have lost 10 pounds in the last two weeks.

I don't want to get too excited, especially right now because it's fairly easy for me to lose and gain ten pounds. When I get to 20, then I'll know I'm on the right track. I do have to say, I'm pretty proud of Ry and I for yesterday though. We went grocery shopping and now there are plenty of things to keep me on track. I do feel like I look better, and all around I'm in a happier mood. I think that's because now I really do feel like I'm committed to this. So in the words of the great philosopher Dory the fish I will "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming."

Boys will be Boys

I'm way behind, but a couple of weeks ago Aidan's cousins stopped in for a quick visit. It was nice because we live so far away from each other. Now the dog pile has all the boys including grandpa...there are two grown men, an 11 year old, a 9 year old, a 6 year old, and a 3 year old.

They were all nice and orderly while we were eating lunch, but they soon got Khaki involved in a rough house. I was laughing when my Aidan's uncle said, "Khaki, sick!" Before you know it, Khaki was licking the pinned blond little blue eyed cousin of Aidan's to death. They all seemed to have fun though and it was nice to break up the monotony of my life.

Keeping it in perspective

First of all, I want to say thank you to all of you....this is the whole reason I'm doing this extremely uncomfortable thing. I need the supoort and the help of all the people I care most about in the whole wide world.

Secondly, talk about having a balloon deflated. I had the flu last weekend so I was definately not in the mood to exercise. I had a break on Monday and then got a really bad chest cold yesterday! Now, one of the biggest things I'm working on doing is chaning what I say to myself. This is REALLY hard because your inner dialogue is kind of automatic and it's really hard to catch youself being mean until after the fact. But, I keep it no secret that I'm a HUGE Dr. Phil addict. He's like my personal psychiatrist minus the one on one relationship. I'm reading his weight loss book and I went back to find something he said that really stuck. I'm going to follow as he says and not let myself get down about such a bad start!

"Recognize that there will be events over which you have no control. For example, you are not to blame for missing your morning walk because there's a real gully-washer outside. If you say, 'I'm mad at myself because I didn't get to walk today," you are inappropriately internalizing. You're blaming yourself for the weather!" -Phil McGraw

Confessions of an overeater

This is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. To admit my mistakes in front of all my closest friends and family. But you know, it's not like no one has noticed. Looking back on the five years of my marriage, I can honestly I say I have been blissfully happy...except for my poor self image. When I am totally honest with myself I cannot believe that I have gained 70 pounds in that time and have tipped the scales at an astounding 250 lbs.

I cannot even believe the adrenaline that is pumping through my system as I am writing this. I have always told myself "You need to lose weight, you need to lose weight." Probably the thing that hit me the hardest was the first talk of the Saturday session of General Conference. He asked us to get out of our addictions and he actually named food as one of them. That stopped me dead in my tracks. You know how you can hear that same thing a million times by a million different people and it takes that one moment and that one person for you to feel like they're specifically talking to you? That's what it felt like....he was looking directly into my eyes and telling me that I had an addiction to food and that I needed to overcome it.

I have been doing research on the subject for several months, reading books and watching anything I could get my hands on about success stories and failures. I have been on and off of Weight Watcher's for years, and I've realized that it's not about eating right and exercising for me. Sure, those things are essential for actually losing weight, but my problem is not about that. It's about what I tell myself in my head. It's about how I justify eating the whole pie or not working out that day. I'm an avid Biggest Loser fan and can't believe some of the things that I see those people accomplish. They are truly an inspiration. Even yesterday, Kirstie Alley was on Oprah and I couldn't help but think of how these women have struggled with it their whole lives as I have and as I have come to realize I always will.

It really is an addiction. For me it's also been one I've struggled with my whole life. Well, now I have a plan and I'm sure the motivation I need to overcome this. Not only do I have ways to cope, I also have inspiration from the people around me...yes, you my friends who also struggle. Some of you are such good examples. We can do it girls, we just have to stick with it. This is my chance. I've aired out all my dirty laundry and now I'm starting from this point forward to turn my life around. I've learned to say to myself...would I tell someone else the things I tell myself? Would I treat anyone the way I treat myself? I am worth it, we are worth it and we can do it!

I'm hoping to find motivation and upliftment by posting this on my blog (you have no idea how hard this is). I need some kind of accountability, and knowing that my friends and family sometimes check their blogs daily, it makes me feel like I am accountable to each and every one of you in a way. I can't say I'll post daily, or even weekly, but I can say I'm going to keep myself accountable and share my triumphs and strenghts and even the bad days because I'm countingon the fact that there will be some. But I will not give up or give in. I will not let this rule my life any more. It's time for me to live my life instead of living it in a closet binge eating.